Today I'm 34

At least that's what the sparkly wax candle numbers on the cake said.

Some say you're only as old as you feel, but how do you really put a number on how you feel? Some days I feel like a little kid trapped in an adult body, like on Monday mornings when I don't want to get out of bed and tackle another week of routine duties. And when my knees creak.

But honestly, most days I feel like an old soul trapped in a young body, one that constantly has people guessing my age in the early 20s. Everyone says I will appreciate this one day. When my hair color grows out between applications, I actually get excited to see the silvery strands around my temples because it justifies my feeling and knowing that I'm more mature than the twenty-something so many people seem to think I am. I mean, I don't want them to think I'm ten years older than I am, of course, but I do want that additional ten years of life experience and wisdom gained to count for something, to be acknowledged. I want to be taken seriously, treated as someone worth listening to, not written off as young and inexperienced who acts on whims.

I've done a lot of things, been a lot of places, met a lot of people, learned a lot of lessons. People frequently say I should write a book but that seems so vain. And besides, I know I'd never finish it, because the minute it was ready for the press, I'd look back at the beginning and say, "But I've learned so much more since I wrote that, I've had another experience that makes this thought, this chapter, now seem uninformed and incomplete. I can't publish this. I'll have to rewrite the whole thing." And it'd be a big waste of time.

Or would it? Maybe the process would help solidify some of the ideas orbiting my central processing system and bring some order to the whole thing. Maybe it would help me pinpoint exactly what it is that drives me, exactly what I want from life, and what I am supposed to bring TO it.

This might sound crazy, but I've always had a sense of a "calling" of sorts, that God would someday use me to speak about something important. I don't know what that something is yet, but I've always had verses like Matthew 10:18-20 jump off the page and get all up in my face.

Then I laugh, like Moses did when God told him to go speak to Pharaoh. What, me? The one who skipped every English class where I had to give a speech and took a big fat zero rather than speak to 25 other kids? Me, whose face and neck turn red and blotchy when I get up in front of people? Me, the one who's practically allergic to answering the phone or initiating a skype conversation because I'm terrified I won't know how to fill an awkward silence? Me, who used to write my whole message out on paper before calling someone, so I wouldn't ramble on for ten minutes and get cut off in the unfortunate case that I had to leave a message? (I actually answer the phone all day at work now - somehow the perspective of helping someone find a solution to their question or need is less threatening and makes it more of a fun challenge! I guess it's all about perspective.)

I know so many women who get to their 40s and seem so much more in charge, so settled with themselves, so happy in their own skin and minds and life in general. Do we have to wait that long? I want that deep confidence now. Why not?